The Beginning and the End

For 21 days the Advent calendar hanging on the wall has taunted me. Those first few weeks I would see the pocket for 21 looming at the bottom yet it was easy to ignore. It was so far away. But this morning I looked at the calendar and the star was in the 21 pocket. It had arrived. The day I hoped to ignore yet felt obligated to recognize was here once again. It was Darrell's birthday.

It's funny that every year a different birthday of Darrell's has special significance. One year it was the birthday I had a surprise birthday dinner for him while we lived in Tulsa. Last year it was the birthday I surprised him with a weekend away. But this year, for some reason this year, our first year to celebrate his birthday is haunting me. It was his 40th birthday and I took him to a restaurant known for its seafood, his favorite. The candlelight and soft music are still there in my memories, but most of all I remember his happiness. His utter happiness to be celebrating his birthday with me.

After those memories washed over me, nearly choking me in Costco parking lot of all places, I wondered why I remember the first now. Four years since I celebrated his last birthday with him, why suddenly the first? I wonder if I'm ready to really let him go.

I can remember so many firsts but I struggle with the lasts. For the past hour I've tried to remember his last birthday for the life of me, I can't. I can't remember the last time we held hands. Or the last time we made love. I can't remember what I made him for dinner the night before his accident. Or the last time he said "I love you." Our last kiss is but a vague memory, a quick kiss as he left the house to go fly his plane. We remember the firsts, forever etched in our brains, but the lasts are locked away in the fog of our memories.

I'm no longer the Denise Swank who was married to Darrell. I've changed, evolved, adapted to my new life sometimes drug through it all kicking, screaming and wailing. I've not always done it gracefully, but I've done it my way. I sometimes wonder if Darrell would recognize the person I am today. Would he love the new me? I'm not so sure he would. But that's okay (and this is what makes me realize I'm ready to let go) because I can't change a thing. And I'll go so far as to say I wouldn't change a thing. The way I behaved, the person I've become was created through the birth of fire. Literally. I defy anyone to do that gracefully.

Over the next few weeks, I plan on doing some posts covering my journey through the first six months of grief. Some of those times, I won't look very pretty. But the cold hard fact is that grief is ugly business. It's high time someone finally admitted it.

Anger

It's been awhile since I wrote here. The truth is that this book is on hold right now. It's hard reliving everything from that time so intensely so I've put it on hold to write fiction for now. But that being said, I know that people stumble upon this blog for the same reason that I was writing my book-- when you're going through such a devastating experience you have to know that you will survive it. You have to know that others have preceded you and have made through the stage of merely existing to living again. That was one reason for wanting to write the book. When I was going through it I looked for books about women who had experienced my pain and I found selection quite lacking.

So for now, when the urge calls, I'm going to write here about what I went through so that those of you who are in the depths of despair can see that while a part of you will most likely always hurt, there is hope. One day you will laugh without guilt. You will think of your significant other without tears. And you will find that you actually have the desire to go on, not just because it's a requirement.

When Darrell died I was in shock. I was numb. I really didn't feel anything. But eventually, as I moved through the stages of guilt, I found anger and I latched onto that bad boy like a dog with a bone and held on tight. There were so many things to be angry about but my main focus was Darrell.

There's nothing logical with a grieving anger. Darrell definitely didn't choose to die, and while my head knew this, my heart was bitter. I felt betrayed and abandoned. I was overwhelmed with loneliness. At times I was faced with life altering decisions and I wasn't sure Darrell would agree with my choices. One day as I struggled with the guilt of a decision I got mad and said "Too bad. If you don't like what I'm doing then you shouldn't have died and left me to make it alone."

Looking back, I think that is what pushed me into my abyss of anger. He was supposed to be with me and in my mind he decided not to be. He decided to leave me when he promised me he would stay with me forever. There couldn't be anything further from the truth, but in the summer of 2006 that was my reality.

I always loved the group Evanescence. They were from Little Rock and became popular when I lived in Little Rock. Darrell bought me their first CD for Christmas the year it came out. So when Call Me When You're Sober came out, I felt a special connection to it, on so many levels.

Call Me When You're Sober is about a woman who's significant other chooses alcohol over her. Darrell hardly drank, so this in no way compared to my experience. But my heart felt that Darrell chose death over me. He said he wanted me but he didn't.

Don't cry to me, if you loved me

You would be here with me.

You want me, come find me

Make up your mind

Those are the words that spoke to me and opened a torrent of resentment.  I would sometimes sing this song in the car, tears streaming down my face, practically screaming the lyrics at him.  And it made me feel better, if only for a few minutes.  Of course, there are probably a bevy of people who thought witnessed a stark raving lunatic, and they weren't far off.

I felt tremendous guilt over my anger but I was also rational enough to realize that it was a stage, one I would move through, one I actually had to move through.  If you are grieving and find yourself in the middle of anger towards your loved one, please be kind to yourself and let yourself live through it without guilt.  You're going through enough pain without adding your own.