Saturday, November 21, 2009


It's been awhile since I wrote here. The truth is that this book is on hold right now. It's hard reliving everything from that time so intensely so I've put it on hold to write fiction for now. But that being said, I know that people stumble upon this blog for the same reason that I was writing my book-- when you're going through such a devastating experience you have to know that you will survive it. You have to know that others have preceded you and have made through the stage of merely existing to living again. That was one reason for wanting to write the book. When I was going through it I looked for books about women who had experienced my pain and I found selection quite lacking.

So for now, when the urge calls, I'm going to write here about what I went through so that those of you who are in the depths of despair can see that while a part of you will most likely always hurt, there is hope. One day you will laugh without guilt. You will think of your significant other without tears. And you will find that you actually have the desire to go on, not just because it's a requirement.

When Darrell died I was in shock. I was numb. I really didn't feel anything. But eventually, as I moved through the stages of guilt, I found anger and I latched onto that bad boy like a dog with a bone and held on tight. There were so many things to be angry about but my main focus was Darrell.

There's nothing logical with a grieving anger. Darrell definitely didn't choose to die, and while my head knew this, my heart was bitter. I felt betrayed and abandoned. I was overwhelmed with loneliness. At times I was faced with life altering decisions and I wasn't sure Darrell would agree with my choices. One day as I struggled with the guilt of a decision I got mad and said "Too bad. If you don't like what I'm doing then you shouldn't have died and left me to make it alone."

Looking back, I think that is what pushed me into my abyss of anger. He was supposed to be with me and in my mind he decided not to be. He decided to leave me when he promised me he would stay with me forever. There couldn't be anything further from the truth, but in the summer of 2006 that was my reality.

I always loved the group Evanescence. They were from Little Rock and became popular when I lived in Little Rock. Darrell bought me their first CD for Christmas the year it came out. So when Call Me When You're Sober came out, I felt a special connection to it, on so many levels.

Call Me When You're Sober is about a woman who's significant other chooses alcohol over her. Darrell hardly drank, so this in no way compared to my experience. But my heart felt that Darrell chose death over me. He said he wanted me but he didn't.

Don't cry to me, if you loved me
You would be here with me.
You want me, come find me
Make up your mind

Those are the words that spoke to me and opened a torrent of resentment.  I would sometimes sing this song in the car, tears streaming down my face, practically screaming the lyrics at him.  And it made me feel better, if only for a few minutes.  Of course, there are probably a bevy of people who thought witnessed a stark raving lunatic, and they weren't far off.

I felt tremendous guilt over my anger but I was also rational enough to realize that it was a stage, one I would move through, one I actually had to move through.  If you are grieving and find yourself in the middle of anger towards your loved one, please be kind to yourself and let yourself live through it without guilt.  You're going through enough pain without adding your own.


Shelley said...

hey Denise,
Thanks for sharing.
You are an awesome woman.

Jill said...

Denise...I love your heart and your words.

Susan said...

I can totally relate.